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Anderson Cooper and Shirt Separate

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Anderson CooperCelebrity watchers and fans of CNN's Anderson Cooper were shocked when the television anchor, having returned to his New York studio from New Orleans, appeared on the air without the slate gray open collar shirt that had been his constant companion for the previous eight weeks.  On Tuesday night after filming AC360, Cooper confirmed to E! that he and the shirt had decided to separate and the couple released the following statement.  "It is with much sorrow that we have made the decision to part ways.  We will always cherish the memories of our time together over the last months."

Cooper and the shirt, a casual yet stylish cotton-poly blend with a delicate sheen that belies its dignified dark blue-gray hue and seems to whisper "Let's go clubbing later", were first seen together in Port au Prince where he was covering the devastation from the Haitian earthquake.  By the time of the BP oil leak, the two had become quite an item and, while in New Orleans, the normally private Cooper was seen in public with the shirt nearly every day prompting rumors that the two had become exclusive.  The shirt accompanied Cooper day and night both in New Orleans where he was filming AC360 from a temporary set and as he traveled to various locations along the Gulf Coast to cover the response and clean up.

"It's a real shame", said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, "I've gotten to know them both very well and they always seemed like a good match.  We're gonna miss them.  But not as much as we're gonna miss the AC360 crew - they accounted for nearly two thirds of New Orleans' total tourism revenues so far this year."  Entertainment tonight reported Monday that, according to celebrity spotters in Hollywood, the shirt had been seen on Kid Rock over the weekend.  The shirt could not be reached for comment but Cooper denied these rumors and insisted that no one else was involved in the break-up and that the split was due solely to his returning to New York and the couple's mutual decision not to pursue a long-distance relationship.


Obama Accidentally Fires Billy Crystal

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President Obama, still fuming over the quotes that were published in the now-famous Rolling Stone article, announced today that he has asked for and accepted the resignation of "Billy Crystal" as Commander of US forces in Afghanistan.  No word yet as to where this leaves the actual commander, 4-star General and all-around loudmouth Stanley McChrystal, but the President did also announce that he has ordered the head of U.S. Army Central Command, Gen. David Petraeus to assume control as host of the 2010 Academy Awards.


Economy Loses Millions of Executive Man-Hours

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The Department of Commerce released numbers earlier today indicating a significant drop in the productivity of management-level employees at American corporations in the last 6 months.  The drop has been directly attributed to the Tiger Woods scandal and the millions of hours that these highly-valued employees have had to spend learning the names of other professional golfers in order to make idle executive chit chat.

The lost hours may just be the tip of the iceberg.  In preliminary surveys, the department has logged countless stories like that of Oracle V.P. Mark Gunderson: "Last week I was in the elevator with one of my fellow V.P.s and we tried talking about Phil What-his-name and Vidge-ay?, Vee-Jay?, the Indian guy - you know, from India.  It was total train wreck - we've been avoiding each other ever since.  Imagine if he had been a client"  Stories like these indicate that the derailment of America's only nationwide, year-round sports icon has caused incalculable damage and it may be years before we're out of the "Woods".



Sun Chips Go Eco-friendly

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Sun Chips is proud to announce the release of their new product packaging.  In addition to being the most deafeningly loud snack sack you've ever heard, the new Earth-friendly bags are completely biodegradable.  Unfortunately, with the release of their new varieties covered in Dorito-esque orange flavor-dust, the chips themselves no longer are.


Possible Change for Afghanistan

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Christiane AmanpourMichael Ware

What started as a inside joke between Christiane Amanpour and Australian war corespondent Michael Ware (i.e. purposefully rendering "Afghanistan" as "Offgonnistonn" whenever on camera) is now in danger of changing the international pronunciation and official spelling of the war-torn country.  The two journalists claim they were just trying to trick Wolf Blitzer into following suit, but they seriously underestimated the gravitas of their own accents and the desire of the Afghani people to re-brand their country.


Tiger Woods Admits He's a Bootyst

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Tiger WoodsThey say admitting to others that you have a problem is the first step toward recovery and, in a widely televised statement, Tiger Woods told the world that he is a Bootyst.  He bravely admitted not only that he is addicted to booty, or booté, but that it is like a religion for him.  He also seemed to indicate that he believes it runs in the family on his Mother's side.  Woods is returning to a Mississippi clinic to receive further treatment for his bootysm and we wish him all the best.

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