President Obama, still fuming over the quotes that were published in the now-famous Rolling Stone article, announced today that he has asked for and accepted the resignation of "Billy Crystal" as Commander of US forces in Afghanistan. No word yet as to where this leaves the actual commander, 4-star General and all-around loudmouth Stanley McChrystal, but the President did also announce that he has ordered the head of U.S. Army Central Command, Gen. David Petraeus to assume control as host of the 2010 Academy Awards.
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Records filed with the Federal Election Commission show that the RNC picked up a $1,946 tab at Voyeur West Hollywood, a high-end strip club that has hosted such notables as bad girl Lindsey Lohan and supermodel Heidi Klum. At a press conference, RNC Chairman Michael "Hey-we-have-a-black-guy-too" Steele seemed only to happy to answer questions about the incident leading some reporters to suspect that the whole thing was just another clumsy attempt by the RNC to make themselves look cool. When asked if the incident was a carefully orchestrated P.R. stunt, Steele could no longer contain his jubilation. He confirmed that the RNC had given themselves some "seriously hip street cred" on national news and garnered tons of free press in the process, but revealed that there was actually much more to the RNC scheme. By using Voyeur West Hollywood as the venue, they were able to simultaneously reach out to the entire entertainment industry, the so-called Hollywood elites, the gay community, and anyone who follows celebrities in the news or on unfortunate YouTube videos. He then then pointed out that not only did his staff have a "well deserved night of fun", they also endeared themselves to fiscal conservatives by managing to do so for "less than what Snoop Dogg usually tips the doorman." The whole stunt, national coverage and all, cost the RNC under $2,000; "Now that's the kind of fiscal responsibility that can lead America into the future!", exclaimed Steele. Unfortunately, he immediately spent much, if not all, of his newly acquired "street cred" by launching into a hopeless, self-composed, white-guy rap about the incident. His performance seemed to be headed for a double entendre involving the phrase "my staff" when, in desperation, one of the reporters pulled the fire alarm.
This weekend every living American regardless of race, color, creed, or political persuasion will unite in an annual, nationwide observance of George Bush's greatest achievement as President when we all set our clocks ahead a few weeks earlier than we used to. There is no word yet as to where the former President intends to spend the observance of his legacy or whether he will remember to set his own clocks ahead.
