TheNuze.com

Following the Senate's 60-40 cloture vote at 1:00 AM Monday morning, President Obama praised the Senate for their efforts in advancing health care legislation.  The President spoke saying, "I want to thank all of the Senators who have worked so long and so hard to pass this vitally important legislation.  Though my deadline was last August as you may recall, I see now that a creepy midnight vote 4 days before Christmas was really a much better way to go.  In particular I would like to thank all of the Republicans who, despite Olympia Snow's endless flirtations, couldn't produce a single yes vote.  If there's one thing we want when passing legislation that will profoundly effect the life of every single American, it's the abdication of an entire party and the total absence of any bi-partisanship.  Of course most of the credit must go to the Democratic Senators who so effectively alienated the entire Republican caucus that every single Democratic vote became an utter necessity, thereby granting each one of themselves unlimited power to hold the entire bill hostage.  Without this brilliant strategy the Democrats never would have been able to turn my health care initiative into the horrifyingly incomprehensible 2000-page claptrap of special deals that it has become.  By the way, the midterm elections should be a real blast with this hanging around our necks.  Along these lines I would like to single out some Senators for special praise.  First, Sen. Ben Nelson, Douchebag - Nebraska, who secured special treatment for his state and for some hometown insurance companies in a deal so repugnant that we still don't know all the details.  And what's up with Florida?  Universal health care for all Americans - especially if you live in Florida?  Not exactly what I had in mind.  Of course, I would also like to thank Joe Lieberman.  Joe, I'm the first to admit that it was a total dick move for your own party to successfully challenge you in a primary, but between endorsing McCain and railroading the public option, I think we can all agree that you've gotten back at us pretty good.  Last but not least, I would like to thank Harry Reid for presiding over this abomination.  For a guy who can barely string two cohesive sentences together, you really turned out to be quite a sausage maker.  Anyway, thanks again to everybody; you've all been just great."