President Obama delivered his annual bicameral address this evening. He talked about a bunch of stuff, but lets get straight to the stats. The speech lasted for more than 70 minutes, making it 70 times longer than the attention span of the average American, and was interrupted by applause 85 times. The President made only 9 references to insanely specific people or places in the process of making a general point. And lastly, Nancy Pelosi burned roughly 700 calories by batting her eyes a dizzying 72,352 times. The Speaker's revolutionary eye-oriented fitness break-through recently spawned a best-selling book and workout video, The Pelosi Process, which invites people to "loose weight in the blink of an eye." During the speech, viewers may have noticed that she was also sporting an extra 2 pounds of mascara to maximize her workout.
After dragging things out for well over an hour, the President finally announced that this year's State of the Union would be Nebraska. The proceedings drew to a close as a teary-eyed Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson gracefully walked to the podium to receive an armful of roses and be crowned with the State of the Union tiara.
Afterward, the opposition party normally anoints a semi-unknown to awkwardly relax in an utterly unnatural pose in front of some fake books or a fireplace and read talking points for 10 minutes while staring at the camera like they're trying to melt the lens. But not tonight. In a surprise move, the Republican Response, which for a year now has been a simple but resounding "No", was amended into 10 minutes of strange theater as the GOP staged a fake, mini State of the Union featuring a commanding performance by newly elected Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell in the role of President Wouldn't-you-be-more-comfortable-with-someone-like-me.
